"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!"

"You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."

"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man."

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"

"Time wounds all heels."

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."

"Whatever it is,... I'm against it."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Quote me as saying I was misquoted."